Whee paranoia

I’m so paranoid when it comes to socializing. With friends, with girls, anyone…
If I walk past someone who happens to be laughing, I start to feel bad ’cause I think they’re laughing at me.

I’m afraid to be myself around people ’cause I’m always worried that I’m pissing people off or annoying the crap out of them. And if I think that happens, I start thinking that person hates me.  I get paranoid to the point where if someone doesn’t respond to me quickly, I start feeling like I’ve offended them so much. — That sends me into a spiral of being overly regretful and apologetic, and I feel like I just ruined a friendship with someone.

So because of that, I always end up trying to act like the world’s nicest guy. But then I feel like an annoying ball of sunshine that won’t go away and I feel like I’m still annoying the hell out of people.

I also feel so awkward when friends introduce me to other people because I feel like I’m just butting in their space. I end up trying really hard to act how they act so they’ll like me, but then I end up making a fool out of myself and leaving feeling embarrassed.

If someone compliments me, I feel like they’re lying to me. When I -try- to like myself and be confident, I always feel like people are thinking otherwise about me, so I end up putting myself down so people would try to relate with me and try to talk to me. Sometimes I feel like people would accept me more if they felt sorry for me or something.

When it comes to girls, I always think I’m not good enough for them. I feel like I’m not really attractive, I’m not athletic, I’m not the brightest guy ever, I don’t have a big penis, I’m not a wild party guy,  I don’t do “cool” stuff, I’m not the “bad boy” type, so many other things that think I’m not.
I’m shy, timid, fat, kinda nerdy, kinda meh. I feel like there’s nothing about me that a girl would like, or be attracted to.

Lots of girls have told me I’m cute, but that just makes me feel worse because I’ve read and heard that if a girl says a guy is “cute”, it means she’s not really interested or doesn’t find him attractive.

I’ve already seen a doctor and I’m already -on- happy pills, but all that’s done is made me calmer. I’m less prone to falling into bouts of anxiety rage and depression, but I’m still as paranoid as ever.

Fuck I hate thinking like this.




I’ll stop dumping my trash on EF.

So I’ll cry here instead.